All the single ladies

The "curse" of Dementia and/or Alzheimer's

Witnessing the gradual decline of a loved one is heart-breaking. Taking care of a person or persons suffering from either Dementia or Alzheimer's is a challenge. Three publications that touched my soul, two I would recommend for gaining better understandiong include:

Keeper: One House, Three Generations, and a Journey into Alzheimer's by Andrea Gillies

Still Alice by Lisa Genova

Dealing with dementia by Homa Khaleeli [Download Dealing with Dementia] in the Mail & Guardian 18 to 24 November 2011, Health insert.

 

Sensation that you are being hugged by a wired torso-like device!

The ultimate companion or plain weird? Inventors at the University of Electro-Communications in Tokyo created a human hugger. The team made used of haptic feedback technology to create a tailor’s like mannequin with pressure sensors and silicon skin. When you hug it, wearing a complimentary jacket, it gives the sensation that you are being hugged back. Watch a video on YouTube illustrating the possibility of receiving a cuddle after a bad day, yet no one around to comfort you.

 
Is this humanoid mannekin. enhanced by artificial muscles and vibrating devices. the answer for lonely singles? You decide.

Flirting-style begets relationship-type

Your flirting-style may determine the type of romantic relationships your have. Are you dissatisfied with the nature of the relationships you end up in? If you are, it might be as result of your way of flirting? Dr Jeffrey Hall, an assistant professor of communication studies at the University of Kansas, completed a study into styles of flirting among dating adults, surveying more than 5 100 people regarding their methods of communicating romantic interest.

"Knowing something about the way you communicate attraction says something about challenges you might have had in your past dating life. Hopefully, this awareness can help people avoid those mistakes and succeed in courtship." (Communication Quarterly, October 2010).

Hall identified five styles of flirting based on participants' responses: traditional, polite, sincere, physical and playful. To flirt generally means to act or behave amorously without serious intentions or emotional commitment; to court triflingly; to toy or play with another's affections; to play at love; to coquet; or to dally. Hall and co-researchers defined the five flirting styles as follows:

1. Traditional flirts believe that men should make the first move rather than women—that women should not pursue men. Both genders tend to be introverted and prefer a more intimate dating scene. Women with this style, because it involves a more passive role in dating, are likely to report trouble getting men's attention and are less likely to flirt or be flattered by flirting. Traditional men often know a potential partner for a longer time before approaching them—gathered sufficient confidence?
2. Polite behaviour entail courteous, polite, cultured, elegant, civil or refined; showing good manners toward others; showing kind regard for others in manners, speech, behaviour, etc. Polite flirts are more cautious while communicating their romantic interest and believe in using proper manners while dating and nonsexual communication. Although they are less likely to approach a potential partner and do not find flirting flattering, they do tend to have meaningful relationships.
3. To be sincere implies free of deceit, hypocrisy, or falseness; to be earnest. Sincere flirts tend to show more interest in creating emotional connections and communicating their genuine interest in their prospective partner. Though, women scored higher in this form of flirting, but men too use this style. Sincere flirting is based on creating emotional connections and communicating sincere interest. Relationships involve strong emotional connections and sexual chemistry and are typically meaningful.
4. Physical means belonging to the bodily or concerned with the human body as distinct from the mind or spirit. Physical flirts tend to show sexual interest in a prospective partner from the start. They tend to form relations and share greater chemistry and emotional connection with a partner. People who scored high in this form of flirting often develop relationships quickly, have more sexual chemistry and have a greater emotional connection to their partners.
5. Playful means sportive; frolicsome; pleasantly, humorous or jesting; full of high spirits and fun; good-natured and full of play. People, who engage in playful flirting style, are least likely to attract serious meaningful relationships. These people often engage in flirting to boost their own self-esteem and enjoy the dating game. People with playful flirting styles often flirt with little interest in a long-term romance. However, they find flirting fun and enhancing to their self-esteem. They are less likely to have important and meaningful relationships.

Hall found that for the most part, there was little difference between genders within each of the five flirting styles. He recommends that if you are not happy with the kind of partners you are attracting then slightly modify your flirting behaviour/style for better results. However, he cautions that flirting tends to reflect personality and it is not easy to change your style completely but some modifications may help you find the right person for a relationship. Your flirting-style could turn out to be the key to attract the right partner. It is important to consider that the early part of developing relationships impacts on the nature of the long-term relationships, including marriages.

Jeffrey A. Hall; Steve Carter; Michael J. Cody; Julie M. Albright
Communication Quarterly, 1746-4102, Volume 58, Issue 4, 2010, Pages 365 – 393

Let your EROTIC CAPITAL work

In the sexualised cultures of liberal, modern societies; people who possess an above-average amount of erotic capital find it easier to make friends, get jobs, get married, and tend to earn on average 15 per cent more; says Dr Catherine Hakim of the London School of Economics and Political Science. Erotic capital is an implicit but powerful commodity that often counts just as much, if not more than educational qualifications, in the labour market, politics, media or the arts. Erotic capital is a combination of physical and social attractiveness, comprising six elements and a seventh in countries where fertility is valued, namely:

Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder is the saying, but photogenic features such as large eyes and mouths, sculpted faces, symmetry and skin-tone are treasured contributing factors to attractiveness.

Sexual attractiveness is largely about bodily feature; but also personality, style and the way of being in the world—the way someone moves, talks and behaves.

Social attractiveness includes grace, charm, social skills and flirting – it is he ability to make others feel at ease and happy, wanting to know you and, possibly, desire you.

Liveliness is about energy—a mixture of physical fitness, social interaction and good humour—often those who are 'the life and soul of the party'.

Presentation includes appropriate dress code, hair styling, wearing make-up and/or perfume and jewellery. Those skilled at these accomplishments are often more attractive.

Sexuality includes sexual competence, energy, erotic imagination, playfulness and all the things that constitute a sexually satisfying partner. Sexuality is not the same thing as having a strong libido, although those that do are more likely to acquire the appropriate qualities through experience. Sexuality is the only one of the six which mostly applies in private, but includes aggresive flirtation.

The text is a shortened and modified version what has been posted on Couture Trash, which I found as result of a search regarding the content of an articleworth reading, by Nikiwe Bikitsha titled "I love you, but I love your bank balance more", p. 44, in the Mail & Guardian, 21 – 27 January 2011. Download Love your bank balance more

Relationship curve

The Kubler Ross change/transition curve is well known. Will the 'relationship curve' also gain popularity? In a very interesting article, Taylor Roberts (2010) explores the stages through which most love relationships progresses. The article acknowledges that both psychologists Berverley Marcus and Janne Dannerup point out that although couples negotiate relationships uniquely; they typically evolve "along similar lines".

Emotional intensity

 

    Time

Stage 1: The prowling lion

Most relationships start off with either party prowling: from subtle flirting and exchanging glances to contemplating the idea of a becoming a couple and exchanging contact details. It is perfectly okay in the 21^st century that the lioness does the hunting.

Stage 2: The preening peacock

The dating or perusal stage follows, involving lots of parading of qualities, appearance and possessions in order to get to know and secure your mate. This stage is often marked by insecurity and uncertainty until a relationship is formed.

Stage 3: The randy rabbit

When a couple start seeing each other exclusively they are usually easy and spontaneous with one another. It is a euphoric stage and both are usually on their best behaviour. It is perfectly normal to be frequently passionate.

Stage 4: The crotchety crocodile

Euphoria dissipates as reality sets. The safety instilled in stage 3 let partners lower their guard and expose their true self. Snapping at each other and reduced intimacy are perfectly normal. Disagreements occur and there are disappointments and anxiety. It is important to remember that the attraction of opposites is now causing the disillusionments. This stage represents the turning point of either securing a sound relationship or braking up.

Stage 5: The cuddly koala

If the couple survived the previous stage, the time has now arrived to build a real connection and a true relationship. It is normal for a couple to treasure their shared intimacy and spend more time with each other. However, psychologists caution about potential hibernation (or becoming boring bears). They emphasise the importance of balance and to retain own identity, in addition to the identity as a couple.

Stage 6: The partnered penguin

Although contemporary research suggest that the established view of penguins paring for life might be wrong, it remains a romantic notion. Stage 6 is about maturity of a relationship, where the mate's shortcomings are accepted and fantasy made room for true love. Long-term togetherness introduces different kind of challenges, but that is another 'curve'.

Roberts, T. 2010. Animal Magnetism. Cosmopolitan, 27(6), August 2010, 82-85.

Beware creepy hyenas

Big-egoed, backslapping and ululating guys comparing pictures from their recent hunting grounds — womyn slept with versus decent, mature, intelligent and well-mannered guys. [Article appeared in the Mail & Guardian (SA) 16-22 July 2010: Download No place for single young womyn]

Uncoupling ritual

"Get past it," "get over it," or "move on" often marks the impatience of society that is no longer accustomed to meaningful ritualisations to mark life's transitions in healthy ways, remarks Charlotte Eulette. Carl Jung, she points out, emphasized that ceremonies and rituals are important aspects in transition and well-being. "Ceremony is a noble and life-affirming way to mark rites of passage" she asserts and lists twelve kinds of rituals. No 10 is an "Uncoupling Ceremony". A ceremony to honour, helping a friend to make the transition from married status to divorce with dignity and compassion. Perhaps there is method to the madness of divorce celebration cakes?

Other rituals Charlotte Eulette suggests include, among others, wisdom, survival, new beginnings, healing and coming of age.

Manscaping

"The fine art of male body hair grooming". It is the shaving, trimming, waxing or clipping and removing of unwanted or excessive male body hair. The grooming areas may include any or all of the following: face, chest, neck, back & shoulders, arms & legs, testicles & penis. Manscaping has become part of our culture and a popular part of many men's daily body maintenance and regimen. More and more men are embracing the idea of better hair and skin care as well.

The Women's Health of July/August 2010, p. 18, states that "a bit of manscaping is not too much to ask of your guy" and then add that "it's good to remember this: men will do pretty much anything … that's asked of them if it might result in more sex". Ask simply and imply that the hair is getting in the way.

The benefits of manscaping include hygiene and the genital area more susceptible to sensations. "For athletes the advantages are speed and aesthetics. Another important advantage is the ability to show off muscle tone. Others can see more clearly the results of your exercise efforts. Just as muscle tone and definition can be seen more clearly with personal hair removal the length of a man's penis can be seen much more clearly if the genital/pubic hair is removed. Both the penis and testicles look much bigger without the obstruction of all that unwanted hair."

Infidelity caution

Single ladies, there is nothing wrong with friendship with a married man or woman. Dr Shirley P Glass (1 March 1936 to 8 October 2003), an expert psychologist who studied infidelity for more than 20 years, found that there is nothing wrong with friendship outside matrimony as long as the walls and windows of the marriage remains where they belong (Gilbert, 2010: 109). Glass theorised that every healthy marriage comprise walls and windows:

• Windows are openings to the world, necessary to interact with family, friends and colleagues.
• Walls are barriers, structures of trust to protect the intimate secrets of the marriage.

Affairs start long before the first stolen kiss. What often happens within the harmless friendship is that people begin sharing intimacies, perhaps frustrations about a partner, and begin revealing little secrets, like yearnings. It feels good to be exposed, listened to and to be comforted—a window is thrown open where there ought to be a weight-bearing wall. The details of these exchanges are kept secret from the partner/s, because it might spark jealousy or conflict—a window get boarded or worse a wall constructed where there ought to be free circulation of marital air and light. This, according to Gilbert, is what Glass called the blueprint for infidelity.

When the new close friend one particular day is down trodden, sad or heartbroken, you embrace each other only to comfort, but it goes further—lips possibly brush and/or a dizziness rush—and you realise you love each other … but you never saw it coming.

Johanna Lass-Hennemann, from the University of Trier in Germany, speculates that stress might prompt men to "outbreed" or reproduce with a wider variety of genetically dissimilar women.

What is the message for single women?

Protect yourself. Married men seldom give up their wife, children and homely comforts—the price is too high to pay. You may enjoy the relationship for a while, but in the end you are the victim.

Gilbert, E. 2010. Committed. London: Bloomsbery.

Sample, I. 2010. Pretty stressed out: men under duress find a wider range of women appealing, a study finds (p. 24). Mail & Guardian, 19 to 25 March 2010.

Woman’s guide of sought after qualities in a man

Zoe Margolis began five years ago (2002?) a blog named Girl With A One-Track Mind, which details, with complete honesty (she says), the ins-and-outs of her sex life, her thoughts and her feelings about the subject matter. She states "Needless to say it's graphic, but then, that's shagging for you: it's a rather sticky thing, no matter how you approach it."

She decided to blog about sex because she felt that the feminist and female-centred perspective is missing from mainstream media. "A sexist double-standard about male vs female sexuality still exists, and which chastises women if they express sexual wants and needs; I hoped my blog would provide a counter-balance to this old-fashioned attitude" she asserts and I do tend to agree with her.

Under the pseudonym of Abby Lee she published a book [Reader discretion advised] with the same title, based on her blogging. The book is in the form of a personal diary with entries spread over a one year period. 1 January starts off with "Quite frankly I need a shag" and continues to share not only Abby's sexcapades but also her life as camera assistant. Abby shares frankly and openly her frustrations and joys. January ends with, similar to a diary's appointments planner and priorities double page, "The Girl's Top Ten Guide: How to respond to the sight of a single female in a sex shop if you are a male customer" (pp 28-29).

 [Buy]

In February she among others shares her love for sexy underwear, but also her former feminist outlook that anything saucy would merely perpetuate the "sexist, objectified view of femaleness" (p. 38). February's end-of-month spread is "The Girl's Guide to Cock Size" (pp 48-49). The diary candidly imparts Abby's most intimate encounters masturbating, having sex and fantasizing about it. The month-end tables are indicative of the shift Abby undergoes during the year:

• The Girl's Guide to Date Speak (p. 73)
• The Girl's Top Ten Guide to Chatting Someone Up (pp. 94-95)
• The Girl's Top Ten Guide to One-Night-Stands—for Women and a separate double page for Men (pp 110-113)
• The Girl's Guide to Fuck-Buddies: Definitions (p. 147)
• The Girl's Guide to Fuck-Buddies: Rules and Regulations (p. 176)
• The Girl's Guide Are You a Sex Fiend? (p. 195)
• The Girl's Guide to Why Men Should Shave Their Genitals (p. 223)
• The Girl's Guide to Qualities Sought in a Man (pp 248-249)Download Zoe Margolis - October
• The Girl's Guide to Fuck-Buddies: What to do if you end up having sex with a friend: (pp 280-281)

Throughout the book are lots of humorous expressions and incidents. Abby concludes that she wants "more than just a shag from a bloke", but also that it would be a special kind of a man who would understand and appreciate that she is a woman with a high sex need. She believes such a man exists; that it is time to settle down; but she intends to have fun while searching—"After all, a girl's gotta shag a few frogs before she finds her prince, hasn't she? "

I enjoyed reading a GIRL with a ONE TRACK MIND and believe Zoe Margolis had been very brave getting it published.